ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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