I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
