Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now