My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it's great music for shaving your balls
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She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
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I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.