no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize