He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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