Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
