New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
