i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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