Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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