Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
