I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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