how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
