Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
