you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
