Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
