Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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