oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
