in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
