if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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