I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
