Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
