his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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