Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
