I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
