i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
