your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
