glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
