Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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