What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I forget how to act sober
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
