Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
