i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
