He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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