Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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