Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
