Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
