you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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