the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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