i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
