I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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