Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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