I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize