Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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