i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
