Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
