Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
