grandma shit on top of the toilet
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
