At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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