You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i think i just lost a toe
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
