omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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