SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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