I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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