You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
