This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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