I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
